Breathe

 Last night I did not sleep well. Oh that's not uncommon for me at all. I rarely have a really good nights sleep. The weather is warming though and it does make it harder for me to sleep well. I can't afford to cool my house to 62f, which is where I keep it in the winter overnight. I do sleep best in the cold.

I have tried pretty much everything that has ever been suggested to improve one's sleep. Nothing has worked. I have had a few things that worked for the short term, but my body quickly adjusts and I am back to my normal interrupted sleep. Last night was just a bit worse as I slept very little after 2:00 am. I try not to get frustrated and usually just clear my mind with meditation and deep breathing. If I am still awake after a half hour or more I'll read for a bit which usually helps re-set my mind. So of course I read for a bit last night and still lay awake. 

My mind drifted onto thoughts of my own death. It is not something I am frightened of, nor do I fight the thought of it. It is inevitable after all. I am at the point in my life where I am gradually making plans for what happens after I die. My will is signed. My DNR's are signed. I have a book with instructions by my bed - "I'm Dead So Now What?" I have lived my life. I still have a bucket list of things I'd like to do and see, but I would be okay if I missed out on doing some of them. I think some times I am just tired. I am ready to rest. So I am okay for that day to come when I breathe my last breath. 

Now please understand I am not suicidal. I have no intentions of ending my life prematurely. If I live another thirty years, then so be it. I hope I can make the most of it. I just want to let everyone know that I am ready for that final day - be it today or in 2055. 

To all of my children and grand child(ren), know that you are all loved beyond measure. That I am so proud of each and every one of you and the obstacles you have overcome. You have all brought so much joy to me. The love and happiness that we have have shared has been the one constant in my adult life. You have given my life purpose. I will continue to live my life with each of you in my heart. The things I do are for you and to inspire you. I really hope I have many healthy years to spend with you. 

Do not mourn me when I am gone. Celebrate that I was here. Celebrate the life I lived. Celebrate the love I shared. Find inspiration in the life I lived. That is all I can ask.