Regrets aka "What If's"

 I am currently reading "the Midnight Library" by Matt Haig. It is the story of a women that was taking her own life and awakens in a library filled with stories of what her life would have been had she made  different choices - it is a common theme in this day and age that involves the possibility of the Multi-Verse. Her visit to the library starts with her being shown her "Book of Regrets". She can then choose to visit other lives where she made a different choice. How many of us have made decisions we regret? How would our life have changed if we choose differently? But is it just the decisions we made? How does the decisions of those around us impact the paths of our lives? It could drive one insane thinking of the infinite possibilities. 

I nearly went to college after graduating High School, I was going to major in Drama. I changed my mind and just decided to stay in Austin and work full time. How would my life have differed if I had gone to college? I only met my first husband because a friends ink pen leaked and stained my car seat. She had a cleaner that would remove the stain and asked me to meet her at a party after work to get it from her. I really had not planned on going, but decided to go for awhile. It was while at the  party I met Steve over a game of pool. That one decision drastically changed the course of my life and his. How many small actions and decisions  over the course of that marriage impacted how we lived, where we lived and how and when our marriage ended. Could there have been one thing that if it had changed would have saved our marriage? Maybe one thing that would have impacted the lives our children lived? Maybe Trevor would never have bought a motorcycle and been in that accident that took his life? Again an infinite number of possibilities. 

Meeting Alan in London was such a longshot. Was it fate? We had always thought so. We met at the Greyhound Pub. I was spending the week in London with Trevor. I was living in Dublin but flew to London to meet his plane and to let him experience the city. Most evenings I popped down to the Greyhound for a few drinks. I had become friendly with the manager there and it was just a few blocks from the B&B I was staying at. The manager was a good friend of Alan's. He had asked Alan to come over for the evening. Alan wasn't sure he wanted to, but with nothing else to do on his night off he went to catch the train from Croyden where he lived into Central London. As he was waiting for the train it started to rain. His first thought was to return home, but just as he turned to leave the train pulled in to the station so he decided to get on it instead. When he arrived at the Greyhound he happened to sit next to me. It was at the end of the bar where Declan ( the manager hung out), so I guess that was why he sat there. Declan ended up being in a very quiet mood that night so Alan and I struck up a conversation. We really hit it off. I gave him my phone number - but unknowingly gave him a wrong one. I did not have his. I then discovered after arriving back in Dublin I had his sunglasses in my purse. I used it as an excuse to call him - but I had to get in touch with Declan to get Alan's phone number. If I hadn't found his glasses in my bag I never would have called him and found out I had given him a wrong number. I would have just figured he had blown me off. Instead we started talking every night and made arrangements to meet up back in London a few weeks later when I took Trevor back to Heathrow Airport. So many things could have happened differently over those first few weeks that would have changed the path I ended up on with him. When we first divorced my gut reaction was to wish I had made one different decision that would have changed that path. But now I don't regret it. Yes it was a difficult journey. My heart was in tatters at the end of our marriage. But when I look at where I am now. That only by meeting and marrying Alan were we led to adopt Abate and Fantu. That I am now so much stronger emotionally... how can I regret that? 

I now live my life more mindfully. I am aware the impact that the decisions I make have a lifelong impact not only on my life but on those around me. Have I regretted things I did and decisions I made? At times I did, but I cannot regret them now as life is too good. 

So is/was there a different path I could have taken that would have been easier, happier more successful? It's possible, but just as likely it could have been harder. I am content in this life. I am happy and at peace with the decisions I made to take me on this journey I am on. The heartbreak, tragedies, the challenges all led me to be where I am and who I am. Maybe I'll be reincarnated and will get another shot at a new life and an amazing love that will last for all eternity. 

Dads

 I was talking to a co-worker earlier today and the conversation led to our Dads. He was never close to his as his father had abused his Mother frequently. In his words "my dad used her as a punching bag". His father wasn't physically abusive towards him, he just mainly wanted to keep him at a distance. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. That attitude never changed. 

I loved my Dad. He wasn't perfect, but who is. He was very much a man of his generation. He supported his family so my mother did not have to work.  He did expect her to look after the kids, do the household chores and shopping and have breakfast and dinner ready at a specific time. His evenings he read the newspaper, watched T.V. and once a week would pay the bills. Summer vacation was when we would get the most attention from him. He relaxed, he made time for family.

The only time I really struggled with my relationship with my Dad was in my early teen years. I think he struggled with teen-age kids. During those years though my sister Ginger was really acting out and causing a lot of stress for my mom & dad. My dad had nearly always been an even tempered man. He would occasionally get angry (that was never good) , the only times I remember him hitting was if he got angry while driving he would just reach across the seat and start swinging and hitting whoever was closest. I'm surprised he never wrecked the car when doing so. Luckily none of us were ever hurt and I honestly can laugh about the insaneness of it. 

My late high school years saw an improvement in my relationship with him. I was the last remaining child at home and I had earned my parents trust so they felt comfortable going away on trips and leaving me home alone. He became more at ease around me and we starting talking again. By the time I was a functioning adult, married with children we had a very good relationship and I grew to admire my Dad. He changed over the years and became more helpful around the house, he did a lot to look after my Mom. My Dad loved my Mom. He always found her to be the most beautiful woman no matter how she looked or aged. He was very protective of her and worried about her and her health issues. In my entire life I can only remember them having an heated argument once. 

Dad loved his wife, his kids, his grandkids and his great grandson. He did not live long enough to meet the remaining Great Grandkids or my two youngest - Abate and Fantu. I know he would have loved them though and would have been so proud of them. He was an amazing Grandfather. I saw an immediate change in him at the birth of his first grandchild. My daughter Andre' was always the apple of his eye, but he didn't love any of his others any less. 

I miss you Dad. 

Am I Stubborn or should I say I am Stubborn...

 Stubbornness... If one is referred to as being stubborn it usually is not complimentary. I was often told by my mother while growing up that I was stubborn. I think I had to be to a certain extent seeing as I was the youngest of four children. I try to think of certain events that I can recall being stubborn, but nothing really comes to mind. If it was anything it was that I just knew what I wanted and I would do whatever  I could, to do or get it. 

In my adult life I am still a bit that way. I think of it more as being strong willed. If I have an opinion or there is something I want to do I am not easily swayed into changing my mind. I will be honest though in that I have let myself be influenced by others when I felt like I wanted to fit in better and I didn't have a really strong opinion about something. I am not a confrontational person though and unlike when I was a kid I will not argue my point. I just have the belief that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. They will be proved either right or wrong just as I could be. Most likely it will be inconsequential in the scheme of things. 

My parents were, and many other family members are quite conservative politically. I am not. I am what is referred to as a yellow-dog democrat. I feel quite strongly about my political beliefs and that the democrats are the better choice for our country. I am so disgusted by Trump and his supporters that it just makes me ill. I am dumbfounded that people buy into his lies, hatred and lack of morals. What is even scarier about it is that he has such a strong following among the religious right. WTF? But these are my opinions. The opposition I am sure feels just as strong about theirs.

So anyway back to being stubborn. How does being a bit stubborn become a positive? Well for me it is a benefit when it comes to achieving goals Recently I had set for myself. I set a goal first to do 2000 steps on the stair master at the gym by early September. I started out only being able to do about 400 steps per workout. If I could add 100 steps a week to that I would hit my goal. I pushed myself a little further than that the past two weeks and went from 1400 to 1600 to 1700 to 2000  well ahead of my September goal. It was a struggle to get there. But once I started getting close I was more determined to go all the way. I will now hold at the 2000 and concentrate on become stronger at that level so that it becomes easier. Autumn is getting closer and with that will be a hiking trip to Colorado. I have to be fit and strong for the hikes that I am planning to do. I know it won't be an easy goal for this 65 year old lady, but I am determined and yes stubborn to accomplish these hikes. Why? Because I want to hike longer and harder trails and I have stubbornly decided to do so. Thanks to being stubborn I have pushed myself to achieve things that I had thought were beyond me. I am already so much stronger and fitter than I was a year ago. I am looking forward to see just what goals I can achieve.