Strength

 Recently at work in a conversation about women that are very emotional, cry easily or have trouble dealing with all the crap that life throws at us, it was mentioned by a co-worker that I was a very strong (emotionally) woman. I suppose I am, but I have had times that I struggled to cope with events beyond my control. I also I learned to be strong because of those same events. It is that strength that allows me to find happiness in my life now and the courage to chase after the goals and dream I have. I find that I still have to sometimes look deep inside myself for that strength to keep going when life tries to pull me down. Facing the day to day obstacles on my own can at times be challenging. It was easier when I had a partner to share those days with. So, where did this strength come from? 

Looking back on my childhood I was a pretty headstrong, stubborn little girl. I was confident. I learned early on being the youngest of four I had to stand up for myself to not get drowned out or beaten down. I also learned independence at a young age. Living in a small town I was able to run errands for my Mom by the time I as four years old. The town was also so small everyone knew each other, so I never met a stranger. 

By the time I started Middle School I was very small for my age. I was getting bullied, and my confidence hit rock bottom. I dressed to blend in and not stand out. I soon realized though that I could make a change. I talked my Mom into making me new clothes, I changed how I wore my hair and I became confident again. I soon had good friends and the bullying mostly stopped. When I was bullied I stood up for myself. I found a new strength to go with my confidence. I have always held on to that and never let it waiver. 

Teen years brought the usual heartbreaks that would knock me down. I did most of the heartbreaking though. I can only recall one really tough break-up. It was hard and it really knocked me on my butt. It took awhile to get back up from it. A few break-ups just pissed me off. Dumb guys doing stupid things. There were also the relationships that just ran their course and by the time we parted ways there weren't any feelings left. 

When my first marriage ended I was numb. I had never thought that Steve would be a man that would have an affair. I honestly don't think I ever shed a tear. I was terrified though of life without him. I did not know how to start over. He talked for months about separating. He openly was seeing this other woman and would then come home to me and get into bed next to me. I woke up one day and was just done with it. I had booked a flight to Ireland to get away for a few months to get my head around what I would need to do to move on. I had to finish up my job and then I would leave. For the last few weeks I slept on the couch, since he wouldn't leave. Once I left, I did not see him again until seven years later when our son Trevor died. 

Trevor's death tested my strength. I told myself on the day he died that I would not let this destroy me. It would be one of the most tragic heartbreaking things to happen to me but I would get through it. I cried a river of tears that first year. I knew that I would be happy again. That even though his life had ended, mine had not and neither had my daughters. I pulled on whatever strength I had each day. I survived. I found a way to be happy. I found joy in living. I still miss him 22 years later. I still shed an occasional tear. I more often now just remember the fun times and the joy he brought into my life. To survive the death of a child creates a strength that is a super-power. 

Years later I needed that super-power when my marriage to Alan fell apart. I barely held it together. One night I almost didn't. That super strength kicked in though. I stood up to him. I imagined a path forward. I made the life I am now living. 

I am a strong woman. I had to be to get to where I am now and to get to where I want to be. 

STRENGTH!