Love. It and grief are probably the two most influential emotions that impact the direction of our life. The intensities of love are as varied as the people in our life. From our first love as a child for their parent to the family that is by our side when we pass from this world, it is often the driving force in the decisions that we make.
I was a fortunate child to have two loving parents that I always loved. They weren't very physically affectionate parents, but I always knew that I was loved. In their later years and especially after my son died we did hug and say I love you frequently, enough so that I know that the last words my parents heard me speak to them was that I loved them. I can say the same about my son as we never hung up from a phone conversation without saying I love you. I frequently tell my kids I love them and sometimes just randomly text it to them.
Outside of the love of our family there is the love of our friends. It might not be as impactful, but it is a constant and loyal love. Some friends come and go, others remain for a lifetime. The importance of these friendships cannot be dismissed easily as they are the ones that shape our childhood relationships. Good friends encourage us, and comfort us. They are the ones we share our secrets, our heartbreaks and our joys. These are the true friends, the ones that bring out the best in us. I was lucky that the friends I had in my life (and still do) were always a positive influence. I have seen too many others brought down by their so-called friends. Those that bring trouble, mischief, and destruction that causes heartbreak not just to them, but to their families. I have always kept my own circle of friends small. I look for positivity and joy in a friendship. I want friends that are honest. I do not have time for drama, competitiveness or jealousy. I just like friends that care about my well being as much as I care about theirs.
Children. A mother's love. There is nothing comparable to it. It is a love that brings joyous sacrifices, nurturing, caring, joy and heartache. The birth of my first child brought such a powerful overwhelming love at the moment of her birth I couldn't help but cry ( something I rarely do). I was a bit more prepared with the birth of my next two, but no less in love. The adoption of my two youngest was just as powerful. Falling in love with pictures, videos and letters as they were half a world away. The moment we met them was as powerful as if I'd given birth. I love them no less than my older three. This is the one time I will say that I was truly blessed, blessed to be a mom to five amazing individuals. They are all very different and amazing in their own way. They are my life. The icing on the cake is my grandson. To see a new generation grow. I look forward to more grandkids and showering them with the same love I do for Caleb.
Crushes! Do you remember your first crush? Mine was Chip Hentrich, the son of my third grade teacher. We were good friends, and enjoyed spending time together. He even tried to kiss me on the playground once. He eventually moved off but I never forgot him. His mother was also my favorite teacher ever. There were many other crushes over the years, often it was just a one-way crush. My first puppy-love boyfriend was Bobby Rabideau. I was in the eighth grade. Outside of school it was hours on the phone and occasionally getting together at the mall on the weekends. I broke up with him when I headed off to High School as we would not be attending the same school. I felt bad about it, but I felt that it would be for the best. It wouldn't be until I was in the eleventh grade that I would have my first serious boyfriend. We dated for about five months. I had to break it off with him though as he was way too serious and was talking marriage. I was only 17! I was not ready for marriage and certainly not to him. There would be more boyfriends over the years. Heartbreak sometimes for myself, sometimes for them. It is all a part of growing up. It is through these relationships we grow. We learn what is important in a partner. It is because of that early journey into the "love relationship" we can recognize the right person when we meet them.
Spring 1980, I had just started a job at Motorola in Austin. I was working in the semiconductor manufacturing clean room. We wore clean-room suits that covered us from head to toe and were fairly baggy. Not an ideal wardrobe choice to catch the eye of the opposite sex. It was only when an after hours gathering was planned that we could shed our baggy suits and actually see our co-workers. I did not plan on attending though. The meet-up was at a club across town and since I was new on the job, I just was a bit unsure. A friend convinced me to stop by as she had something she needed to give me (her ink pen leaked on my car seat and she had a spot remover for me to try). So I agreed to stop by for a few minutes. Once there I got talked into a game of pool and met some of my co-workers. One in particular caught my eye and the conversation just flowed with him. The evening flew by and before I knew it, it was nearly midnight. We exchanged phone numbers and made plans to meet again. His name was Steve Hall, I fell head over heels in love by the end of the first date. By the end of the second I knew I would marry this man. Luckily he felt the same. We got engaged a month later and married in the Autumn of that year. I can't say that our love was deeply passionate, but he was my best friend, the one I leaned on. The father of my kids and a good husband and provider. I knew I wanted to live my life with him always. Our always was fifteen years. I'll write at a later date about the failures... this post is about love.
Summer 1995, My first marriage was over. I was at a loss of what I wanted and needed to do. I was not prepared to live on my own. I had to get myself together so I headed off to a place I found healing and inspiring - Ireland. I planned on staying for three months. I had settled into a new apartment in Dublin. I was spending my days sightseeing around the city and enjoying the pace of life. I had made arrangements for my son Trevor to come for three weeks starting in London before coming to Dublin. It was while in London that I met a cute Irishman at a pub just up the street from my B & B. He sat down next to me and a conversation started and went well into the night. We exchanged phone numbers ( I accidently wrote mine down wrong) and agreed to keep in touch. Once I returned to Dublin I discovered I had accidently made off with his sunglasses. It took a few days to get in touch with him , but I did and we arranged to meet when I returned to London to see Trevor off on his flight back to Texas. We did meet up a few weeks later and spent a few days traveling around the South of England. We spent the following months flying back and forth between Dublin and London. I extended my stay to six months as I wasn't ready to walk away from this relationship. I was falling in love again. I knew I was in trouble when one evening while sitting across from each other in a very noisy pub, I looked into his eyes and for a brief moment I was looking into the eyes of him as an old man. I knew then that I would grow old with him. At the end of my six month Visa he knew it was time for him to move back to Ireland and wanted me to stay. I had to return to Texas to wrap things up, so he came with me. A month later we were back in Dublin looking for a place together. We found a charming large flat in an old Edwardian townhome in Dun Laoghaire ( a Dublin suburb). Two months later he asked me to marry him and on July 5th, 1996 we wed. We both always said we felt like soul mates. Our marriage was amazing until it suddenly wasn't. We divorced in 2019. I was crushed. I knew I had to dig deep within myself to decide what my life would look like moving forward.
So now it is 2024, I am single. My children are the loves in my life. I am enjoying the freedom of living alone. I enjoy the confidence I have in myself. I love not having doubts about what another person is thinking about me. I have been damaged by the heartbreak. I do not want to travel down that road again. Do I miss being in love? Do I miss having a partner to share my day with? Do I miss the companionship, the touch, the love? Yes I do. But I don't miss the doubts, the struggles, the sacrifices. I do like that I can freely live my own life, my choices, my decisions, and my adventures. Oh and I do have my two little runt-mutts to love on and keep me company. 💗🐶
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