Choosing my Religion

 Religion. It is probably one of the most impactful ways our parents influence our lives and the paths we choose. For so many the religious path they take is the same as the one their parents chose for them. I did not. In my first life with Steve religion did not play a defining role. We had both stepped away from the  religion we were raised in. I did though want to expose our children to a church so that as they grew older they could decide if that was a path they wanted to continue on or not. There was a lovely small Lutheran church nearby that we joined ( the kids and I) and attended for several years. I enjoyed the community of it and the laid back pace. The area began to grow rapidly as did the church and it lost it's appeal to me as so many new members came in and the vibe changed. We soon stepped away and did not search for another church. Just before we divorced Steve decided to convert to Catholicism. But it was something he wished to do on his own and not include myself or his children. I found it odd though as he converted to a church that did not accept divorce, yet he was looking to divorce me during this time. 

When I married Alan, the Catholic church was part of the package. While we never attended church services regularly, he did have strong ties and faith in the Irish Catholic Church. We only became active after attending a service when a new priest had taken over at Our Lady in Gatesville. We were just starting the adoption process and knew that Abate and Fantu had spent quite a few years in a Catholic orphanage and we felt the church would play an important role in their lives. Father Robert Kojah was the new priest and we quickly became good friends. His role in our lives was one that positively impacted our lives, but it was brief. His ideas were modern. His sermons personal. His friendship was a blessing. He was meant for bigger things within his order and all too soon was transferred first to Houston then back to Nigeria. While we are still friends, we only speak via messenger less than once a year. 

I have always questioned religion and the reality of God. Those questions and the lack of answers have shaped my journey. In the past year in my search for living a mindful life and seeking meditation and a way to live in the present I started reading some of the writings of the late Zen Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Han. It has brought me to a peaceful place. I am more focused and living more in the present. I am calmer. I meditate often. I am in such a better place. It has been a long journey to get here. One that at times was traumatic. How did those events shape my journey?

As a child I loved going to Sunday School. The church service afterwards was boring, but I loved the hymns. The time spent in Sunday School when I was a preschooler was about the only time I got to interact with children my own age. After I started school things began to change. We moved to New Jersey just as I started the First grade. The only Baptist Church was in Trenton which was half an hour away from where we lived. The kids were all strangers, and went to different schools. I don't think I felt like I truly belonged. After we moved back to Texas (Austin) we bounced around through several churches over the next few years. The only one I really liked wasn't a Baptist Church. It really wasn't much different but it was small and near our neighborhood so I had friends also attending it. Suddenly though my Dad changed churches to one across town. It was in the "wealthy" part of Austin. I was terrified there. It was what I would call a "Fire and Brimstone" teaching the "fear of God" kind of church. I began having nightmares which then led to insomnia. I was so frightened that the world was going to end and I would end up in hell. I lost weight, I began to withdraw. I did not have one friend in that church. My siblings hated it there too. But we kept our mouths shut and did not speak up to my Dad about it. I really began to question "organized" religion as I saw the greed and hypocrisy in this place. Why was it fear that they preached? It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized that at an evening service just for kids at the conclusion of Vacation Bible School,  the pastor was using brainwashing techniques to try to "save" us. I left more traumatized and feared God more than ever. 

To this day I feel anger when someone talks about putting the "Fear of God" in their children. I would not take my own kids to a church that taught that. Teach God's love if you want your children to love and accept him. A child will run from what they fear. and quite honestly I have been running from him since. I am sick of the hypocrisy that I see in  many so-called Christians. The holier-than-thou attitude angers me. It was this and more that drove me away from organized religion and the church.

Buddhism has brought me peace. I have found a way through his teachings to live a more spiritual life. It is something I feel that everyone should study ( Christians, Muslims, Jewish, etc.) and bring the teachings of the Buddha into their daily lives. The world would be a much better place. Religion though is very personal. I wish that we could all respect each others choices. I wish that more Christians were like my Grandmother Barron. She was a deeply spiritual person. She read her bible every morning as she sipped her coffee. She lived a very peaceful and faithful life. It was quiet. It was private her relationship with her God. I always envied her unquestioning acceptance and that she didn't feel the need to tell and preach about her faith. She didn't look down on others of different beliefs. I know I was too damaged though by the excesses in the Church to ever return. The innocence of childhood faith was shattered for me. I am just grateful that I have now found a path in this life that brings me joy and comfort. I am glad I had the freedom to choose.